okay I'm really upset and I'm not even sure why. damn it. i don't want to be upset. but i can't solve anything cause I don't know why. aargh.

most of the time i can just pretend that nothing's wrong. that my life isn't messed up. that i am perfectly well balanced. I'm such a good pretender that mostly even people who've known me for a long time and are close can't tell anything's wrong. mostly even I can't tell anything's wrong. i just wish that everyonce in a while I wouldn't be reminded of it. I just wish. it wouldn't bother me.

a friend came over last night. or should I say an aquaintiance who became a friend. and sat and talked for a coupla hours and I'm glad he came. life on the other side of the glass isn't as perfect as it may seem cause all we see is the mirror's reflection and not what lies underneath. which may be hollow and empty. I feel sad for him. he needs something and I hope he takes what we're offering. maybe the reason i feel so sad is that I see myself reflected in him. that some part of me recognises that I'm in the same position and no one is there to rescue me.

so so tired today. mostly because I just started work yesterday and a six and a half hour shift ending at 1am is really not the best shift to have for someone who has 9am classes the next day. esp. since most of the shift is conducted on your feet. *sigh* That and attended a study abroad talk today and realizing that it's really inconvenient not to be an american citizen or live in america. aargh. how on earth can I possibly afford to go study aboard.

Been watching a lot of anime lately like scryed and x. mostly sad. :-p. the good thing is that i can now understand what they are saying and not just their tone of voice which really helps. and I also learn words from it. so yeah I have an excuse. they are pretty good though if rather sad. but I still think i've seen better :-p
ah well. it's good to watch anime I haven't yet seen. makes you think in any case.

my friends tell me I've lost weight even though I don't see it. if i've lost weight, why am I not happy about it? Even though I feel like I may have lost a little weight, I don't feel happy that I've lost it and it's not as though I'm too thin now there's still lots of weight to lose.maybe there's no sense of accomplishment about it because the only reason I've lost weight is because not because I've been exercising or dieting, but simply because I haven't been making myself eat well. wonder if that is a good thing or not..

test tomorrow and I haven't really studied but somehow I can't bring myself to study.. very xian... I really need to go get myself a job as well in order to get money. *sigh* why are there so many things to worry about? *bleah* That and the study abroad thing might not work out so well.. esp. with trying to get internships.

tired. so tired. so drained. mentally. physically. what happens if one day i reach inside myself and all the strength sustaining me is gone? used up? what will I do then? where am I getting all this from? I feel like I'm using myself up bit by bit from the inside out.

Coca-cola Rei LawfulGoodElfMageBard Gabriel Ein Julia Shinobu
Yusuke

life should be as simple as breath. we should know how to live just as we were born knowing how to breathe, how to draw life into ouirselves, how to exhale and live out our lives. it's not complicated. maybe that's how you should know you are happy. when life comes to you as easily as that. or maybe just at peace. when everything else is in your bones, flesh, blood. when all you actually have to think of is breathe and you don't actually have to think at all, just live.

last night, Jh just broke up with her bf. It took so much effort for her to do so even though he's completely insensitive of her and other people's feelings and completely full of himself. What is it about relationships that just trap you into their own momentum? it didn't help of course that jh is so used to pleasing people. to making others happy that she can't deal with the confrontation. I'm almost that way too. it's almost scary. sitting there beside her holding her hand and trying to will her strength, i could feel my heart beating three times as fast as it normaly beats, the tension in my body rising up and the heart pierced upon the edge. I was almost ready to cry myself. Am I scared of getting into a relationship? or simply scared of breaking up?

A response she says, can take any form, written, audio or visual. why then is it so hard to make yourself create. so hard to make yourself write. to confine yourself and yet free yourself. Freedom with a few bounds is infinitely difficult to fulfil

All writers are egoists. they want to be immortal. they want something of themselves to live. to reach out and affect others. to have power over someone else. words are only words, not reality except in the world of paper. excpet to a writer and maybe to a reader. all writers are egoists. I should know.

I know i have to study. I know what i have to do now specifically. I even know exactly what I have to write down and what to learn. but when it's a struggle to keep myself awake. to fight off this heaviness in my body. to even get up. to make a reply to anything. can't think. the simplest things become difficult when you are sick. I don't know why I work myself so hard.

perhaps
if I turn back the clock, would i honestly make the same choices I did? No matter how strongly your answers are yes there's still always the what if. the maybes. the possibilities. but so often we foiget that those still stretch in front of us. there are still potentials. we just have to look for them.

sometimes at the end of the day all you want is a few extra hours to do nothing in and recover from the rest of the day. but if you had those extra hours there would be more things to fill it with. the thing we need to be rescued from is ourselves.

claustaphobia can set in when you have miles around you to run around in, millions of things to do and see and space to be free. I need something new to see, hear, do. something to make me alive.

Ever notice how when you have too much work you'd do something else rather than face the daunting task of all that work? Breaking it down into little doable parts is just so hard to do.

distant dreams
sometimes being sick is like moving underwater through a glass. you can see the rest of the world and everything you have to do, but doing it is just so difficult and everything just seems one degree removed from you.