Quiet sips of my Iced Cafe Mocha from Starbucks. Outside the world is turning, bustling on another hot summer's day. My apartment is a mess because I'm moving tomorrow and yet still not packed.
But here, with my coffee in my quiet cube early on Wednesday morning, it's okay to take two minutes out of the race for time that is my life. Transience has always been and perhaps will always be a part of my life. Yesterday, I lived in Boston, tomorrow in Brookline, a distance not far in miles but moves are never easy nor measured in miles. It's been a year. This time, next year, where will I be? Or the year after.
For now, it's enough that I am here.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Enduring Praise.
It's review season in the office. I hate writing reviews both for myself and others. Writing the reviews means I have to sit down and think. It means I have to judge myself and others on how well we've done, to sum up the scale of our acheivements which in the large scheme of things mean nothing. It means I have to think of things to say to people during reviews good and bad. And worse it means I have to sit in front of those self-same people and endure praise.
Criticism I get. I'm full of flaws. Sitting and writing my self evaluation always makes me sharply aware of all the things I could be doing better. Looking at my finished self evaluation makes me think. This. This is what the last 6 months of my life amounted to. Was it worth the 1/160th of my life? Was it worth doing? Did it make the world better? Did it make me better? The answer to all these questions of course is rarely yes.
The worse is having to endure praise. To sit, with a fake smile on my face and listen to praise which might or might not be platitudes, desgined to pacify and console. If they mean the praise, I have succeeded in getting away with the largest con. Then I wish I could really be the image of me they hold in their minds. Either way, praise is a double edged blade that never seems to bring me much joy.
P says I'm too hard on myself and have too low expectations of others. I never seem to think of much criticism of others. To me, they are what they are. I can think of good things to say but never bad ones. N says she feels bad complaining about her cases because I never complain about mine, however bad they might be. Simply, its because I don't think they are bad. They just are what they are.
I grew up starved of praise. I remember having tremendous fights with my mother on why everything I did was wrong. Why nothing I did pleased her. Perhaps growing up without much praise, I've grown uncomfortable around praise. I don't know how to deal with it and can never believe it to be true. Hopefully, this hasn't affected my ability to give praise. At some point in the past, I set my hopes at the lowest common denominator so that I would never be disappointed but I must remember to credit others when they exceed my hopes because even if I don't deal well with praise , others do.
Criticism I get. I'm full of flaws. Sitting and writing my self evaluation always makes me sharply aware of all the things I could be doing better. Looking at my finished self evaluation makes me think. This. This is what the last 6 months of my life amounted to. Was it worth the 1/160th of my life? Was it worth doing? Did it make the world better? Did it make me better? The answer to all these questions of course is rarely yes.
The worse is having to endure praise. To sit, with a fake smile on my face and listen to praise which might or might not be platitudes, desgined to pacify and console. If they mean the praise, I have succeeded in getting away with the largest con. Then I wish I could really be the image of me they hold in their minds. Either way, praise is a double edged blade that never seems to bring me much joy.
P says I'm too hard on myself and have too low expectations of others. I never seem to think of much criticism of others. To me, they are what they are. I can think of good things to say but never bad ones. N says she feels bad complaining about her cases because I never complain about mine, however bad they might be. Simply, its because I don't think they are bad. They just are what they are.
I grew up starved of praise. I remember having tremendous fights with my mother on why everything I did was wrong. Why nothing I did pleased her. Perhaps growing up without much praise, I've grown uncomfortable around praise. I don't know how to deal with it and can never believe it to be true. Hopefully, this hasn't affected my ability to give praise. At some point in the past, I set my hopes at the lowest common denominator so that I would never be disappointed but I must remember to credit others when they exceed my hopes because even if I don't deal well with praise , others do.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
Copied from my white board
for Prithi:
1. Laugh
2. Cut down on coffee
3. Slow down, butnot really
4. Don't work on anyone else's cases
5. Do Prithi's to-do list
(I have a white board which I write to dos on and haven't updated in a while but my associate wrote this on my white board)
1. Laugh
2. Cut down on coffee
3. Slow down, butnot really
4. Don't work on anyone else's cases
5. Do Prithi's to-do list
(I have a white board which I write to dos on and haven't updated in a while but my associate wrote this on my white board)
Sunday, March 12, 2006
on being placed out of a rat race into the real world
I wonder if being in the Singapore education system was somehow damaging to my ego. I never think anything I do is amazing or exceptional but apparently, I'm beginning to realize that sometimes the people who work with me do.
To begin with a disclaimer, I'm one of the fastest readers I know. What that essentially means, is that I'm really good at reading through things fast and gaining an understanding of them. For some strange reason I'm also good at pulling them up again when somebody needs a certain point found in one of those documents. But useful as it may be in the working world, reading fast is not a skill that anyone really needs in the school system. Certainly it helps, but there are no exams that test you on how fast you read.
There are other things that I do well at work at and as a result am appreciated at work which is somewhat of an ego boost. For 12 years of my life, no matter how well I did, there was always someone better or something better that I could be acheiving and in many ways we were all brainwashed to think that way. Do well in school? There could be a better school that you should be aiming for. Even in the 4 years of college here, some of that brainwashing hung over, with a GPA of 3.9 something, there is this faint nagging feeling of why was it not a 4? And no matter how effortlessly it all comes by, there are always the geniuses who go drinking all night and whiz through the exams with 100% to compare yourself to.
At work though, there are so many immeasurable things. Intelligence alone doesn't get you anywhere, neither does social skills. I like that there's no proper way to quantify how well you do any longer, because there is no pressure. I do the best that I can do and that's that. Which is why praise comes as an unexpected surprise and ego boost.
To begin with a disclaimer, I'm one of the fastest readers I know. What that essentially means, is that I'm really good at reading through things fast and gaining an understanding of them. For some strange reason I'm also good at pulling them up again when somebody needs a certain point found in one of those documents. But useful as it may be in the working world, reading fast is not a skill that anyone really needs in the school system. Certainly it helps, but there are no exams that test you on how fast you read.
There are other things that I do well at work at and as a result am appreciated at work which is somewhat of an ego boost. For 12 years of my life, no matter how well I did, there was always someone better or something better that I could be acheiving and in many ways we were all brainwashed to think that way. Do well in school? There could be a better school that you should be aiming for. Even in the 4 years of college here, some of that brainwashing hung over, with a GPA of 3.9 something, there is this faint nagging feeling of why was it not a 4? And no matter how effortlessly it all comes by, there are always the geniuses who go drinking all night and whiz through the exams with 100% to compare yourself to.
At work though, there are so many immeasurable things. Intelligence alone doesn't get you anywhere, neither does social skills. I like that there's no proper way to quantify how well you do any longer, because there is no pressure. I do the best that I can do and that's that. Which is why praise comes as an unexpected surprise and ego boost.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
連れてくれる誰か
＜。。。でも、おれはずうと待ってたからなあ。。。連れてくれる誰か＞
I don't have the book here with me now but in "A game of you", it was said that Little boys dream of being third sons, tailors but not princes where little girls dream of being princesses, that some day they would be claimed by their real mothers and fathers in a kingdom where they were the princess.
I guess all girls have a wish to be swept off their feet, taken away from it all and never to again have to worry and care about anything in the world and perhaps that's just an element of social conditioning.
No matter how independent, mature, and self-sufficient I become, and no matter how increasingly my rational brain tells me I could never be happy if I didn't have challenging problems to solve at work, there's still a faint hope of that little girl in me somewhere that someday someone will just take me away from it all.
I don't have the book here with me now but in "A game of you", it was said that Little boys dream of being third sons, tailors but not princes where little girls dream of being princesses, that some day they would be claimed by their real mothers and fathers in a kingdom where they were the princess.
I guess all girls have a wish to be swept off their feet, taken away from it all and never to again have to worry and care about anything in the world and perhaps that's just an element of social conditioning.
No matter how independent, mature, and self-sufficient I become, and no matter how increasingly my rational brain tells me I could never be happy if I didn't have challenging problems to solve at work, there's still a faint hope of that little girl in me somewhere that someday someone will just take me away from it all.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I found a new song I like. It's called 想念你的歌. I just like the words.
In other news, I'm busy at work again. I like my job and all but sometimes I wonder if there's anything more to life. Sometimes it just seems as though life in its whole is like being in an ant farm. There must be more than this but you just can't see it, and all you have in front of you is the usual paths and things that everyone else is doing and so you do it too.
When I was in Singapore, I felt trapped in by society, by family, by expectations. Strangely enough, out of Singapore, with the whole world at my feet and really anywhere that I can go, I don't feel any more free. Or maybe I am free but suddenly realize that there's no place else to go. No cage to break out of, but no larger world to break into either. I can't even tell you what I'm looking for. I have everything I want... rewarding work, challenge, enough pay to live comfortably, friends, a life.
So yet while there's nothing I want, there's a quiet yearning for something more, something different, something better that doesn't exist.
In other news, I'm busy at work again. I like my job and all but sometimes I wonder if there's anything more to life. Sometimes it just seems as though life in its whole is like being in an ant farm. There must be more than this but you just can't see it, and all you have in front of you is the usual paths and things that everyone else is doing and so you do it too.
When I was in Singapore, I felt trapped in by society, by family, by expectations. Strangely enough, out of Singapore, with the whole world at my feet and really anywhere that I can go, I don't feel any more free. Or maybe I am free but suddenly realize that there's no place else to go. No cage to break out of, but no larger world to break into either. I can't even tell you what I'm looking for. I have everything I want... rewarding work, challenge, enough pay to live comfortably, friends, a life.
So yet while there's nothing I want, there's a quiet yearning for something more, something different, something better that doesn't exist.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
4 meme
Just felt like doing one (a meme). At some point I'll do the other number ones....
4 Jobs You've Had In Your Life
1. Analyst (current job) basically all round researcher/analyst random stuff person
2. Summer analyst (trading floor)
3. Cafe counter girl
4. English teacher (sadly to say this was the best paying job of all... US$35 an hour!)
4 Movies You Could Watch Over And Over Again
Disclaimer: I'm not a big fan of movies so erm.. actually its more like 4 I would watch again rather than over and over again.
1. Mirrormask
2. Finding Nemo
3. Love Letter (Japanese)
4. Samurai X (I forget the title but its the tragic one with his past)
4 TV Shows You Love To Watch
1. CSI (The original)
2. Coupling! (British version please)
3. Whose Line is it Anyway
4. Anime (I know I'm being generic)
4 Places You've Lived In
1. Kyoto, Japan
2. Singapore
3. Boston/Providence US (I know there're different but sorta close)
4. Tokyo, Japan
4 Places You've Been On Vacation To
1. Australia (Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide...)
2. Brazil
3. London
4. Palm Springs/LA
4 Places You'd Rather Be
1. Kyoto. Either downtown or in one of the many gardens.
2. Disneyland or DisneySea (in tokyo)
3. .. The rest it's not so much I'd rather be there as who I'd rather be with...
4 Of Your Favourite Foods
1. Raw Fish.. namely Ikura and Negitoro Donburi.
2. Warabi Mochi
3. Yam Paste.. the teochew kind that's super fattenning
4. parfeitts :-p
4 Websites You Visit Daily
1. Gmail
2. Google... generally the news section
3. boingboing.net (lately)
4. random webcomics and blogs
4 Jobs You've Had In Your Life
1. Analyst (current job) basically all round researcher/analyst random stuff person
2. Summer analyst (trading floor)
3. Cafe counter girl
4. English teacher (sadly to say this was the best paying job of all... US$35 an hour!)
4 Movies You Could Watch Over And Over Again
Disclaimer: I'm not a big fan of movies so erm.. actually its more like 4 I would watch again rather than over and over again.
1. Mirrormask
2. Finding Nemo
3. Love Letter (Japanese)
4. Samurai X (I forget the title but its the tragic one with his past)
4 TV Shows You Love To Watch
1. CSI (The original)
2. Coupling! (British version please)
3. Whose Line is it Anyway
4. Anime (I know I'm being generic)
4 Places You've Lived In
1. Kyoto, Japan
2. Singapore
3. Boston/Providence US (I know there're different but sorta close)
4. Tokyo, Japan
4 Places You've Been On Vacation To
1. Australia (Perth, Brisbane, Adelaide...)
2. Brazil
3. London
4. Palm Springs/LA
4 Places You'd Rather Be
1. Kyoto. Either downtown or in one of the many gardens.
2. Disneyland or DisneySea (in tokyo)
3. .. The rest it's not so much I'd rather be there as who I'd rather be with...
4 Of Your Favourite Foods
1. Raw Fish.. namely Ikura and Negitoro Donburi.
2. Warabi Mochi
3. Yam Paste.. the teochew kind that's super fattenning
4. parfeitts :-p
4 Websites You Visit Daily
1. Gmail
2. Google... generally the news section
3. boingboing.net (lately)
4. random webcomics and blogs
Friday, February 03, 2006
of everybody I know, who came from singapore to study here, I think I'm the only one that chose to stay. Of course, I'm the only one who had the choice to stay not being on scholarship, but lately I've been thinking that maybe that was a good thing after all... a very good thing.
Over cny, my mum found out that nobody she knew in Singapore was happy in their job. Not one of my cousins, not one of her friends' children. Suddenly, she decided to stop pressuring me to come home.
As tiring as my job is (the 2am nights are likely to continue again soon), it is also among other things, challenging, interesting and above all, fulfilling. In addition, it's a pleasure working with other people who feel the same way about the job because you can rely on them to do the best they can and to get things done. In contrast, I think if I were to go home to work, I'd feel stuck and be surrounded by many people feeling the same way.
Not to disparage many of the scholars who have gone home, (some of them are happy where they are), but I think I got the better deal here. Sure I have a bunch of debt and sure I may be far away from many of the people I care about and who care about me, but in exchange, the job I spend 50-70 out of 112 or so waking hours each week, I go to each day happily.
Of course, right now I still have a ton of friends in the area who I hang out with and enjoy life with so lonliness is not a factor but we can't all stay here forever. If I follow the typical american path, or at least the one my friends seem to take, I'd be going to grad school in a couple of years (some kind of grad school anyway, MBA, Law or Phd) and then after that would be a whole new set of choices again.
Over cny, my mum found out that nobody she knew in Singapore was happy in their job. Not one of my cousins, not one of her friends' children. Suddenly, she decided to stop pressuring me to come home.
As tiring as my job is (the 2am nights are likely to continue again soon), it is also among other things, challenging, interesting and above all, fulfilling. In addition, it's a pleasure working with other people who feel the same way about the job because you can rely on them to do the best they can and to get things done. In contrast, I think if I were to go home to work, I'd feel stuck and be surrounded by many people feeling the same way.
Not to disparage many of the scholars who have gone home, (some of them are happy where they are), but I think I got the better deal here. Sure I have a bunch of debt and sure I may be far away from many of the people I care about and who care about me, but in exchange, the job I spend 50-70 out of 112 or so waking hours each week, I go to each day happily.
Of course, right now I still have a ton of friends in the area who I hang out with and enjoy life with so lonliness is not a factor but we can't all stay here forever. If I follow the typical american path, or at least the one my friends seem to take, I'd be going to grad school in a couple of years (some kind of grad school anyway, MBA, Law or Phd) and then after that would be a whole new set of choices again.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
My work week is getting on the ridiculous side... i.e. the reason why I decided not to do investment banking. So far its been Sunday 6 hours, Monday 11 hours, Tues 15.5 hours, Wed 16 hours... it's thursday morning and I really don't want to crawl to work because I'm just so tired. I think that under a "normal" work week system I've already exceeded the number of hours most people work in a week within half the week.
I just really really really need some rest at this point.
I just really really really need some rest at this point.