new years are for new resolutions. new resolutions are however, for people who intend (if only for an hour or a day) to keep them.
Kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Breaking the long silence.
I have my life back.
For the last few months, I've been working incesstantly due to an urgent deadline. I got my monthly utilization report yesterday and let's just say the numbers ain't pretty. As a consequence, I pretty much put life on hold as I was working through this deadline - I haven't touched my GMAT book in months. My house was a mess. I hadn't cooked or eaten home in a month (I'm sure I have health issues from that). I saw people outside of work only a handful of times in the last few months. I haven't shopped in ages.
But all that's over now, at least for a bit. Yesterday, I had my first day off in ages. I slept, cleaned, played FF12 lots and basicially did not think about work or feel guilty about not thinking about work. It was fantastic. My goal for this week is to cut back on starbucks and coffee, eat home cooked food, play games, buy clothes and basically breathe. My goal for this month is to reduce my utilization down to 100%.
I would say 80% but I know myself too well. Somewhere between high-school and college, I somehow developed a work ethic. I used to be the kid whose parent teacher meetings usually went like this "Your daughter could be doing so much better if she would only work harder. You know she has the potential to be topping the class" and whose parents usually ended up yelling some place close to the exams "You can't be done studying, you've only spent half an hour on your books so far". If those teachers had seen me in college....
I don't know what happened exactly. I think that I don't respond well to nagging and have a very short attention span. If I'm allowed to manage my own time, I usually do much better and provide much better discipline on myself than when I'm being managed. But now that I'm out in the real world, in a job where I do most of my own time management, I'm somehow putting in an effort. I wouldn't say my best effort yet because I know somewhere in me there are resources I haven't drawn on yet and haven't needed to draw on. Nor.. I think does anybody want/need me to draw on those. The consequence of working at 200% is frequently burnout.
For now, I think, I'm going to enjoy the rest of this month and the spend the hiatus putting my life back together again.
For the last few months, I've been working incesstantly due to an urgent deadline. I got my monthly utilization report yesterday and let's just say the numbers ain't pretty. As a consequence, I pretty much put life on hold as I was working through this deadline - I haven't touched my GMAT book in months. My house was a mess. I hadn't cooked or eaten home in a month (I'm sure I have health issues from that). I saw people outside of work only a handful of times in the last few months. I haven't shopped in ages.
But all that's over now, at least for a bit. Yesterday, I had my first day off in ages. I slept, cleaned, played FF12 lots and basicially did not think about work or feel guilty about not thinking about work. It was fantastic. My goal for this week is to cut back on starbucks and coffee, eat home cooked food, play games, buy clothes and basically breathe. My goal for this month is to reduce my utilization down to 100%.
I would say 80% but I know myself too well. Somewhere between high-school and college, I somehow developed a work ethic. I used to be the kid whose parent teacher meetings usually went like this "Your daughter could be doing so much better if she would only work harder. You know she has the potential to be topping the class" and whose parents usually ended up yelling some place close to the exams "You can't be done studying, you've only spent half an hour on your books so far". If those teachers had seen me in college....
I don't know what happened exactly. I think that I don't respond well to nagging and have a very short attention span. If I'm allowed to manage my own time, I usually do much better and provide much better discipline on myself than when I'm being managed. But now that I'm out in the real world, in a job where I do most of my own time management, I'm somehow putting in an effort. I wouldn't say my best effort yet because I know somewhere in me there are resources I haven't drawn on yet and haven't needed to draw on. Nor.. I think does anybody want/need me to draw on those. The consequence of working at 200% is frequently burnout.
For now, I think, I'm going to enjoy the rest of this month and the spend the hiatus putting my life back together again.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Obsessions
For those of you who don't know yet, where I would probably fall under the category of geek is in video games and anime. It is now November. The significance of which is that FF12 is now out in stores and has been out in stores for a whole 5 days. Have I bought it? No. Have I even seen it? No. Why? Because I'm currently working 24 (-8 for sleeping) hours a day.
I want to.. no... NEED to get my hands on that game. However, I also need to for the next few weeks, work, eat and sleep, which would not happen if I did get my hands on that game. I even have to work over Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, absence is not just making my heart fonder but also more obsessed.
If I should one day burst into the office dressed in flowing clothes and carved metal designed boots brandishing a broadsword and screaming "Give me my chocobos and moogles!"... you'll know why.
I want to.. no... NEED to get my hands on that game. However, I also need to for the next few weeks, work, eat and sleep, which would not happen if I did get my hands on that game. I even have to work over Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, absence is not just making my heart fonder but also more obsessed.
If I should one day burst into the office dressed in flowing clothes and carved metal designed boots brandishing a broadsword and screaming "Give me my chocobos and moogles!"... you'll know why.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Work Weekend
So far my weekend has been work-filled but somehow I'm still in a good mood. There's something about being in the office on Sunday morning in jeans and a sweatshirt with no one else around and just being able to turn on the nostalgic Singapore chinese radio through the internet and work while staring out of the window at newbury street.
Now all I need is a mug of steaming hot coffee... think I'll go remedy that right now.
Now all I need is a mug of steaming hot coffee... think I'll go remedy that right now.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
College parties
This weekend I was persuaded to attend a party that i should have never gone to. Despite the fact that we were all out of college, this was very much a college party, complete with the loud music, and copious amounts of beer. There were some changes though. The beer pong was changed to water pong - not that it stopped everybody from getting really drunk. And there was no random hooking up in various rooms (guess we're all too old, and if everybody was a friend of a friend, too wise for that).
As I was hiding upstairs together with a few of my friends, unable to go home because we had one friend actually enjoying herself (also the person we were staying with and therefore key to us being able to get home), I remembered why I had avoided most of the parties in college.
In some ways I miss the days before we all had money and ways in which to spend it. Going out with friends now invariably involves going to bars and playing darts or going to bars and drinking or dancing. There was a time ten years ago, with people I still remember fondly when we'd meet for dinner one night all of us from different schools and because we had no money, we'd sit out and watch the stars come out and talk about our hopes, our dreams and our lives. There are some things that money can't buy and unfortunately some things that money just doesn't seem to help.
As I was hiding upstairs together with a few of my friends, unable to go home because we had one friend actually enjoying herself (also the person we were staying with and therefore key to us being able to get home), I remembered why I had avoided most of the parties in college.
In some ways I miss the days before we all had money and ways in which to spend it. Going out with friends now invariably involves going to bars and playing darts or going to bars and drinking or dancing. There was a time ten years ago, with people I still remember fondly when we'd meet for dinner one night all of us from different schools and because we had no money, we'd sit out and watch the stars come out and talk about our hopes, our dreams and our lives. There are some things that money can't buy and unfortunately some things that money just doesn't seem to help.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Mute
I miss my words. Lately I don't have the time or emotional energy to write and haven't for two years. Since the whole thesis and work life thing actually started. Last week, I came across stuff that I wrote several years back and suddenly realized how much I missed that part of my life.
The problem is not that I can't find the time. You can always make time for something you love. I think the problem is more that moving, adjusting to a new job, and just living is pretty much taking up all of my attention. I write when I'm bored.... when I'm bubbling over with something that has to spill out somewhere. Lately, I think I've been living my life on the outside of my skin so much I've lost the road that I used to take to the core of what I am.
While I can't start writing again in a day. What I can do is start small. I can write a little each day. small things. random things. and who knows? some day I might start writing something I like again.
The problem is not that I can't find the time. You can always make time for something you love. I think the problem is more that moving, adjusting to a new job, and just living is pretty much taking up all of my attention. I write when I'm bored.... when I'm bubbling over with something that has to spill out somewhere. Lately, I think I've been living my life on the outside of my skin so much I've lost the road that I used to take to the core of what I am.
While I can't start writing again in a day. What I can do is start small. I can write a little each day. small things. random things. and who knows? some day I might start writing something I like again.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
The meaning of life
"What are you supposed to do in life? You're born, you eat, you sleep... what else are you supposed to do?" I was watching honey and clover and this struck me as a question for which there is no real answer. Is the meaning of human life merely to propogate our species?
It's so easy to get caught up in this you go to work, you eat, you sleep, you go to school, you go to more school so you can do more work. What's the meaning behind it all? Maybe there isn't one. And if so, then wouldn't it be just fine if we can all just do what we'd like to do? But Life isn't so simple. Maybe what you'd like to do wouldn't lead you to be able to eat and sleep well and so you have to find something you'd like to do a little less.
I'm trying to weigh the costs and benefits. Would doing business school really get me where I want to go? Do I even know where I want to go? Maybe that's the real question. I've a feeling that that one will take me my entire life to answer.
It's so easy to get caught up in this you go to work, you eat, you sleep, you go to school, you go to more school so you can do more work. What's the meaning behind it all? Maybe there isn't one. And if so, then wouldn't it be just fine if we can all just do what we'd like to do? But Life isn't so simple. Maybe what you'd like to do wouldn't lead you to be able to eat and sleep well and so you have to find something you'd like to do a little less.
I'm trying to weigh the costs and benefits. Would doing business school really get me where I want to go? Do I even know where I want to go? Maybe that's the real question. I've a feeling that that one will take me my entire life to answer.
Monday, September 11, 2006
How not to manage
It's Monday morning after what can be described as a bad week at work. So bad that the weekend wasn't quite enough to recover from it, although I did get lots of chores done. In explanation I should probably say that I usually love my work, and I've had the fantastic opportunity of having had lots of good experiences with lots of people who are fantastic people to work for and to work with. Currently though, I'm on this one case which I can only say would not be so such a bad case if not for the people on it.
I'm sure the people on it are perfectly nice people, and in real life I'd probably like them, but I'm learning a lot on how NOT to manage from them. For instance, while in an investment bank it might be okay to make people work 90 hour weeks forever, in my company you don't expect your teams to work 50-60 hour weeks for 2 months straight when the expectation is 40 hour weeks. You also do not yell at your analysts, or the other managers for doing work on other cases because analysts generally know how to allocate their time between what is urgent.
I guess I'm also learning a lot on what it means to be middle management and what to do and not do. The one thing I have learnt, is that it is demoralizing to workers if middle management is negative. As middle management, never criticize the managers openly, and never express negativity about the feasibility of meeting deadlines or your own workload because it is demoralizing to the workers who consequently feel they have to take on everything.
I need to be off this case. I can't believe I have at least two more months of this to look forward to. JB says that if you hate work for more than a month you should quit, but there are and will be other cases so that doesn't always make sense.
I'm sure the people on it are perfectly nice people, and in real life I'd probably like them, but I'm learning a lot on how NOT to manage from them. For instance, while in an investment bank it might be okay to make people work 90 hour weeks forever, in my company you don't expect your teams to work 50-60 hour weeks for 2 months straight when the expectation is 40 hour weeks. You also do not yell at your analysts, or the other managers for doing work on other cases because analysts generally know how to allocate their time between what is urgent.
I guess I'm also learning a lot on what it means to be middle management and what to do and not do. The one thing I have learnt, is that it is demoralizing to workers if middle management is negative. As middle management, never criticize the managers openly, and never express negativity about the feasibility of meeting deadlines or your own workload because it is demoralizing to the workers who consequently feel they have to take on everything.
I need to be off this case. I can't believe I have at least two more months of this to look forward to. JB says that if you hate work for more than a month you should quit, but there are and will be other cases so that doesn't always make sense.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Does the soul-crunching life-absorbing kind of love exist? The kind that all songs are based on... the kind of that makes you drop everything for it and kill yourself when it is over? Because if it does, I don't believe I am capable of it.
I won't pine away and die because you're not here. Won't cry myself to sleep or otherwise. When my friends here ask if I'm okay, I think it's strange that they would ask. Of course I'm okay, more than okay. I have a fulfilling job, friends, a life beyond you and so do you. We are ourselves complete and neither define nor run into each other like a palette of watercolours.
... but the world seems just a little more leeched of colour, a little more empty and a little more lonely when you're not around.
I won't pine away and die because you're not here. Won't cry myself to sleep or otherwise. When my friends here ask if I'm okay, I think it's strange that they would ask. Of course I'm okay, more than okay. I have a fulfilling job, friends, a life beyond you and so do you. We are ourselves complete and neither define nor run into each other like a palette of watercolours.
... but the world seems just a little more leeched of colour, a little more empty and a little more lonely when you're not around.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Two minute happiness.
Quiet sips of my Iced Cafe Mocha from Starbucks. Outside the world is turning, bustling on another hot summer's day. My apartment is a mess because I'm moving tomorrow and yet still not packed.
But here, with my coffee in my quiet cube early on Wednesday morning, it's okay to take two minutes out of the race for time that is my life. Transience has always been and perhaps will always be a part of my life. Yesterday, I lived in Boston, tomorrow in Brookline, a distance not far in miles but moves are never easy nor measured in miles. It's been a year. This time, next year, where will I be? Or the year after.
For now, it's enough that I am here.
But here, with my coffee in my quiet cube early on Wednesday morning, it's okay to take two minutes out of the race for time that is my life. Transience has always been and perhaps will always be a part of my life. Yesterday, I lived in Boston, tomorrow in Brookline, a distance not far in miles but moves are never easy nor measured in miles. It's been a year. This time, next year, where will I be? Or the year after.
For now, it's enough that I am here.