forever missing

This week's Lexington column in the economist is about immigration policy in the US, a topic I read with particular interest because I'm one of many who came here to study and then decided to stay to work. While the column itself was interesting, one particular quote stuck in my mind - the immigrant's lament: "she has spent the past 25 years missing India and will spend the next 25 missing America".

While the countries mentioned and number of years mentioned are different, that one sentence seemed to sum up my future pretty well. It's one of the reasons why I find it so hard to figure out what I'm doing next, much less what I want to do with my life. Here in America, I pine for the food culture of Singapore and the zen lifestyle of Japan amongst many other little unique things about each society. Living in Japan, I missed the open hearted acceptance of the urbanite American cities. You can't have your cake and eat it too, if only because there's no way to physically live in 3 places at one time.

The road is wide open before me but ironically the crossroads are too many to choose between. And having chosen one path, would I forever wonder what was on the others? I always thought that at some point, I was going to move back to Asia, maybe even Singapore, which for 2/3 of my life I had called home and knew no other. But when I think back to how I felt when I was in Singapore, before I knew that there were other ways of living to miss, all I remember was feeling trapped, unable to breathe.

If I were to go back, would I be able to leave again? Is it easier to live in a gilded cage, if the door to that cage were always open? And if one were to live in that cage, and slowly realize one day that the once open door had shut, would the response be panic or contentment?

These are questions I would need to have my own answers to before I would ever think of moving home.

Need.

Whenever I get upset, or my heart is deeply unquiet, I have this abiding need to create. It used to be poetry but my words have long since abandoned my unfocused distracted mind. Right now, I just really want my paints.

However, I am in the office - the source of my need to paint, and therefore have contented myself with looking for an art program online, the better to flesh out my design for my next art project. I am going to paint a dresser.

That may have seemed like it came out of nowhere but where it really came out from was a combination of 3 things. Ikea is relatively cheap. Painted white dresser is already covered with an acrylic base i.e. no need to prime. White is a boring colour anyway.

The design that I have tentatively come up with is going to be called the forest of thorns (not that anybody is going to get that reference). I would come up with a more friendly happy design for something that's going to be placed in my house but I can't bring myself to paint anything that friendly or happy.

In any case, I get to put the cost of this project down to therapy which at $200 an hour, I certainly can't afford.

On Heroes.

For someone who was never a big fan of cartoons - disney or otherwise - growing up, I sure watch a lot of them now.

Not that I'm having some sort of early quarter-life crisis, on the contrary, these cartoons are hardly meant for kids. The cartoons I'm talking about come under the genre of Anime - mostly japanese-made serieses or movies that cover any and every subject matter - predestiny, duty, the meaning of freedom... everything from the nature of life to dealing with death.

Each title is like a story I watch unfold at the artist's pace and for each good story, at the end, I'm left wanting just a little bit more. I want them to tell me the answers to the questions that they are posing and yet I know, that only my own answers can give me any satisfaction. What does it mean to have a soul? Can a machine have real life?... Each time, they leave me to ponder my answers to the questions that they have left unanswered.

But more than that I think, I have finally found heroes in these cartoons that I can identify with, admire and respect.

I have a confession to make... I never liked any of the Disney Princesses. I watched the princess cartoons for the songs. The only one I had some semblance of liking was Belle and that was because of her love for books. Her dream library - that was my dream. I don't think I was ever meant to be a Princess in the way most people dream of being Princesses. Where most people dream of being gracious, kind, beautiful and loved by all... Where most people dream of having beautiful gowns, gorgeous palaces, and a prince to sweep them off their feet... It was all just a little empty to me.

In anime at last, I have found dreams big enough to satisfy me. In Utena I have a heroine that dreamed not of being a princess but of being a prince who can do the rescuing and be strong enough to stay loyal, true and protect those she loves. In Nana, I have someone strong enough to give up love to be able to follow her dream and stand on her own strength. And the best part? There is no Happy Ending. No Happily Ever After with adoration of subjects and a wedding. What there is, is pain, tears, suffering and yet the will to be strong, to do the right thing, and to make your own future.

That's something that I can live with.