just came back from swing.. ended up saying something that was really mean to sinch. I guess i didn't mean to but it slipped out before I thought about it. I know it was mostly because of what he said earlier and that he didn't mean it that way.. and so I shouldn't have let it get to me. *sigh* come to think of it it is kind of ego of me to have such high standards for myself huh? *sigh*

it's really easy to pretend I'm not here. i have the right words for every thing, the right thing to say. the right thing to do. the problem is so much of what i do is what I know is right to do so where does that end and me begin? How many of you actually know me beyond the things I say to you. beyond the fact that I put things in perspective, make you feel better. I made that mistake once I guess, I'm not going to make it again. I won't let you get too close, I won't let you be pulled in just because I know exactly what to say to you. That's not going to be the reason why I am a friend to any of you.

exam in an hour and again I didn't study very much... I wonder if it's a disability of sometime not being able to study.. not even panic study.

back to studying i guess

maybe it's being an only child but why do you all think the world revolves around you. so tired. so tired of trying. so tired of making an effort. why aren't I just happy settling? why do I even get mad at you anymore? maybe I should just treat you like everyone else and let it go and not care anymore. maybe you should fade from friend to aquaintiance. maybe it's time for it to end. i don't know why i bother. I mean, you don't tell me anything. you don't check in with me and find out what's happening on my side. why the hell do I make all the effort.