Red sox nation

This article is so hillarious I had to post it here. (original article found at http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2004/11/08/red_sox_nation_literally/)


Red Sox Nation, literally
By Peter Norton November 8, 2004

VOTING WILL get underway shortly in the New England states on whether to secede from the United States of America. The new country would be named Red Sox Nation and would comprise Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, and most of Connecticut.

Red Sox owner John Henry, who initiated the hastily organized referendum, said that he was not a sore loser. "This has nothing whatever to do with the defeat of yet another liberal Massachusetts politician with aspirations for national office. I'm just tired of living in such a bitterly divided country. My goal is to create a new nation where everyone can agree on something."

Polls show that 97.3 percent of people living within the borders of the proposed nation root for the Red Sox. Members of the New England Patriots football team and New England Revolution soccer team were quick to endorse the measure. Sales of bumper stickers, such as "Don't Blame Me, I'm From Red Sox Nation," have been brisk.

Senator John Kerry, a long-time Red Sox fan, said in a statement that he would vote for secession and would even vote to authorize the yet-to-be-elected president of the new nation to go to war if necessary. On the other hand, Kerry said that if there were a war, he would oppose it and vote to deny any funding whatsoever.

While Kerry has ruled out running for president of Red Sox Nation himself, numerous local politicians, sensing home field advantage, have formed exploratory committees, including Michael Dukakis, Howard Dean, Joe Leiberman, Niki Tsongas, Mitt Romney, William Weld, and half a dozen Kennedys. Political pundits, however, speculate that the top honor is most likely to go to a member of the Red Sox team.

"Having won the world championship, any one of them, even a utility infielder like Pokey Reese, would have an immediate advantage over the politicians," said one analyst. He noted one exception, though. Curt Schilling, who was once considered a front runner based on his status approaching that of a war hero wounded on the field of battle, may have hurt his chances by campaigning with US President George Bush before the referendum was even announced.

Newly reelected President Bush spoke out against secession. "I've always said I'm a uniter, not a divider. And by that I mean I'm a uniter. I unite things. You see, they don't call this great country the United States for nothin'. If you divide it, then it isn't united anymore, is it? It's as simple as that."

Privately, though, White House aides admit that the president would not be sorry to see the troublesome states leave the union; the United States could scarcely afford to redeploy troops from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to quell a local uprising.

Border disputes have already arisen. The southwest corner of Connecticut was excluded from the proposed nation, due to heavier concentrations of New York Yankees fans. However, plans for a security fence were leaked to the media and showed that officials intend to deviate from the originally proposed boundary in order to include several Red Sox enclaves deep within Connecticut Yankee territory.

Skirmishes have broken out in New Haven, near the proposed border, and an extremist Yankee website has posted a call for attacks on the "illegal Red Sox settlements."

One of the cornerstones of the draft constitution is the right of return. Red Sox fans living in exile anywhere in the United States, or even the world, would be guaranteed citizenship in the fledgling nation.

"I can hahdly wait," exclaimed one Red Sox fan, a Boston native currently residing in Manhattan, who refused to give his name citing security concerns. "During the World Series, I got up my courage to wear my Red Sox cap on the subway. It was the first time I felt safe wearing it in the last 10 yeahs. If this thing passes, I'd move back to Boston in a hahtbeat!"

Peter Norton lives in Acton.