funny how everything can seem alright when you have something to do. if fact, you can even deceive yourself that you are not miserable for an incredibly long time when you have work. and then of course you finally finish the work and you can relax and then the whole world comes crashing down on you becuase suddenly you're allowed to breathe again. suddenly you're allowed to feel again. The human mind is amazing in it's ability to pretend. someitmes I'm amazed at the way I can simply put that two-sided mask back on again as easily as that. smiling on both outsides and insides, smiling at darkness and pretending it's light. or maybe, it's not funny at all. but at the moment it's all that keeps me sane.

one more take home exam to do and then I'm done!! aah!!! think I'll go take a shower and a nap before I start the exam :-p

I'm going to do an exam on four hours of sleep.. hee hee. went to bed at 3am and waking up at 7am.... this is going to be interesting. hopefully I'll make enough sense to write the essay :-p.

last major exam tomorrow. and then a take home paper to complete and then I'm done with exams. *sigh* for some reason I'm not doing as well as I would like.. and the problem is all the not doing well is borderline. which is irritating. I mean i don't mind so much if I suck at a class, the problem is that it could so easily have have been the other way...

I don't know why I like you. sometimes you remind me too much of someone I really shouldn't be trusting. but you see.. this time I'm not going to get burned. this time, I'll be able to let go. I'm not going to want anything besides what comes. I'll just be who you need me to be for a while. I refuse to get involved.

You're a Strawberry Daiqery! You're the person that everyone just wants to have sex with. Nothing more, nothing less

I'm a Strawberry Daiqery, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

What's up with that?? tell me it isn't true...

half an hour to a final.. why is there so much I still do not know?

*sigh*..

I don't have a type! it's amazing. i'm perfectly poised in the center of that test....

it scares me that people can possibly think they will not be happy unless they reach a certain goal. because that means life means nothing more than that goal then. and then.. what happens to everything else. maybe we're so busy looking for a certain kind of door that we completely missed all others. sometimes it takes an earthquake to make us realise that there is more than one thing in this world. I know you won't see this but J: I hope you find your happiness someday, and I hope that soon you realise that that goal will never keep you satisfied.

you know I hate to tell you this... but erm yeah if Emma Watson is Hermione.. she's a little underaged. esp for you...:-p no lolita complexes here..... and I actually thought draco is kinda good. he's meant to be that way I like the whole could be perfect little boy image except....

of course I'm right I'm always right....

well look at it this way. Little things are the joy that keeps you going even when you are depressed. You have to have that because life rarely works out perfectly so that you're always happy so for those days, months or years when you feel down, take joy where you can find it, in rain, ice cream, a smile or a word.

well actually being an empath is more like getting affected by other peoples' emotions and projecting emotions unto others so yeah it might not necessarily be a good thing...

food makes me happy. or small things. or maybe a combination of both. :-p yeah megan's going to say I'm horrible again. but I got her a small surprise so that should keep her happy for a while. but I definitely need to get a life. or stop being so dependent on small things.

so I'm not a very good liar. I can lie and pull it off but i feel too guilty about it. yeah. I told her. she said she knew anyway. but yeah. I give in so fast.

I'm too good of an actor for my own good. what can I do? I can pretend I don't care but it's killing me inside. it's so killing me inside and she doesn't even know she's doing it. it's not even her fault. it's my fault because i lied to her. but I have to. I can't.. I can't take it much more. I'm soo in trouble it's not even funny anymore. what can I do. all I want to do is hide under my covers and cry. help me.

showers are good fo rthe soul. even with a million things on your mind that you don't forget not even in the shower. everything seems so much more peaceful.

lead us not into temptation
doing the right thing hurts sometimes
don't stand so close to me
I might love you.

A cart ran into me at work.. oh well at least it didn't run over me. anyway the point was the outcome - extreme pain. :-( to get the idea it cut into the back of my ankle and at first it was the sheer force of the cart that caused the pain. didn't even realised it was bleeding till 5 min later... and yeah it was bleeding so cleaned it put a plaster and back to work right? half an hour later back in my room I change the plaster because it had bled through it. *ouch* yeah and it still hurts now. *sigh* okay I guess its to sleep for me I'm going to get really little sleep again. have to get up to get to 9am class.

have to go to work in 2 hours. work is kinda screwing up my sleep schedule. instead of sleeping 8 hours I end up sleeping like 5 or 6 and napping in the afternoon only when you break sleep up like that it's never the same... haven't been eating well htis weekend too. or rather not on sunday and today and I'm craving calamari or at the very least proper food. actually considering getting proper food this week as opposed to cooking.. hmm.. I'm out of vegetables in any case... cept onions.... :-p

partying way too much this week. I don't even know why. normally I'm more of a hermit than a party animal but htis week i've become so get up and go. J came into my room tuesday nightand was like we're going to a swing dance now. 2 minutes to dress. and i did. and we did go and mind you this was a swing dance in another twon. not even some young party thing a proper dance in a proper dance hall.
and then there was yesterday.. I suppose the excuse is that it was halloween. so yeah I went to upstairs PW to see the bands play. serge's band was playing and it was great. *grin* and then after that there was the midnight organ concert. went with f, and J, and s and then ran into ben there. so didn't get to sleep till 2am despite having 9am classes. I really need to study for my midterm next week. maybe it's just cause I don' twant to think. filling up my life sounds pretty good.

okay I'm really upset and I'm not even sure why. damn it. i don't want to be upset. but i can't solve anything cause I don't know why. aargh.

most of the time i can just pretend that nothing's wrong. that my life isn't messed up. that i am perfectly well balanced. I'm such a good pretender that mostly even people who've known me for a long time and are close can't tell anything's wrong. mostly even I can't tell anything's wrong. i just wish that everyonce in a while I wouldn't be reminded of it. I just wish. it wouldn't bother me.

a friend came over last night. or should I say an aquaintiance who became a friend. and sat and talked for a coupla hours and I'm glad he came. life on the other side of the glass isn't as perfect as it may seem cause all we see is the mirror's reflection and not what lies underneath. which may be hollow and empty. I feel sad for him. he needs something and I hope he takes what we're offering. maybe the reason i feel so sad is that I see myself reflected in him. that some part of me recognises that I'm in the same position and no one is there to rescue me.

so so tired today. mostly because I just started work yesterday and a six and a half hour shift ending at 1am is really not the best shift to have for someone who has 9am classes the next day. esp. since most of the shift is conducted on your feet. *sigh* That and attended a study abroad talk today and realizing that it's really inconvenient not to be an american citizen or live in america. aargh. how on earth can I possibly afford to go study aboard.

Been watching a lot of anime lately like scryed and x. mostly sad. :-p. the good thing is that i can now understand what they are saying and not just their tone of voice which really helps. and I also learn words from it. so yeah I have an excuse. they are pretty good though if rather sad. but I still think i've seen better :-p
ah well. it's good to watch anime I haven't yet seen. makes you think in any case.

my friends tell me I've lost weight even though I don't see it. if i've lost weight, why am I not happy about it? Even though I feel like I may have lost a little weight, I don't feel happy that I've lost it and it's not as though I'm too thin now there's still lots of weight to lose.maybe there's no sense of accomplishment about it because the only reason I've lost weight is because not because I've been exercising or dieting, but simply because I haven't been making myself eat well. wonder if that is a good thing or not..

test tomorrow and I haven't really studied but somehow I can't bring myself to study.. very xian... I really need to go get myself a job as well in order to get money. *sigh* why are there so many things to worry about? *bleah* That and the study abroad thing might not work out so well.. esp. with trying to get internships.

tired. so tired. so drained. mentally. physically. what happens if one day i reach inside myself and all the strength sustaining me is gone? used up? what will I do then? where am I getting all this from? I feel like I'm using myself up bit by bit from the inside out.

Coca-cola Rei LawfulGoodElfMageBard Gabriel Ein Julia Shinobu
Yusuke

life should be as simple as breath. we should know how to live just as we were born knowing how to breathe, how to draw life into ouirselves, how to exhale and live out our lives. it's not complicated. maybe that's how you should know you are happy. when life comes to you as easily as that. or maybe just at peace. when everything else is in your bones, flesh, blood. when all you actually have to think of is breathe and you don't actually have to think at all, just live.

last night, Jh just broke up with her bf. It took so much effort for her to do so even though he's completely insensitive of her and other people's feelings and completely full of himself. What is it about relationships that just trap you into their own momentum? it didn't help of course that jh is so used to pleasing people. to making others happy that she can't deal with the confrontation. I'm almost that way too. it's almost scary. sitting there beside her holding her hand and trying to will her strength, i could feel my heart beating three times as fast as it normaly beats, the tension in my body rising up and the heart pierced upon the edge. I was almost ready to cry myself. Am I scared of getting into a relationship? or simply scared of breaking up?

A response she says, can take any form, written, audio or visual. why then is it so hard to make yourself create. so hard to make yourself write. to confine yourself and yet free yourself. Freedom with a few bounds is infinitely difficult to fulfil

All writers are egoists. they want to be immortal. they want something of themselves to live. to reach out and affect others. to have power over someone else. words are only words, not reality except in the world of paper. excpet to a writer and maybe to a reader. all writers are egoists. I should know.

I know i have to study. I know what i have to do now specifically. I even know exactly what I have to write down and what to learn. but when it's a struggle to keep myself awake. to fight off this heaviness in my body. to even get up. to make a reply to anything. can't think. the simplest things become difficult when you are sick. I don't know why I work myself so hard.

perhaps
if I turn back the clock, would i honestly make the same choices I did? No matter how strongly your answers are yes there's still always the what if. the maybes. the possibilities. but so often we foiget that those still stretch in front of us. there are still potentials. we just have to look for them.

sometimes at the end of the day all you want is a few extra hours to do nothing in and recover from the rest of the day. but if you had those extra hours there would be more things to fill it with. the thing we need to be rescued from is ourselves.

claustaphobia can set in when you have miles around you to run around in, millions of things to do and see and space to be free. I need something new to see, hear, do. something to make me alive.

Ever notice how when you have too much work you'd do something else rather than face the daunting task of all that work? Breaking it down into little doable parts is just so hard to do.

distant dreams
sometimes being sick is like moving underwater through a glass. you can see the rest of the world and everything you have to do, but doing it is just so difficult and everything just seems one degree removed from you.