Recently I've become hooked on Laurel K. Hamilton's Anita Blake novels. Basically, sex, blood and violence all wrapped up in a neat little package. Although I'd be the first to admit that i like sensual writing and thus the novels would hold a natural pull for me, I think what really attracts me to these novels is the heroine in the tale, Anita.

Supposedly a vampire hunter, she ends up sleeping with both a vampire and a werewolf and worrying about whether or not she is turning more into a monster than both of them. Strangely enough, it's not her humanity that attracts me to her but what makes her a "monster", the ability to kill because it is necessary to protect herself, people she cares about or for the "greater good". The lack of sleep loss after such a kill. Not letting anyone else do anything she wouldn't do herself, even if what is required is distasteful. In one instance, she tortures a baddie because it was necessary and she wouldn't make someone else do something she wasn't willing to do.

I guess it's the hard and fast ability to do what is necessary that attracts me so much to her. I once had a friend comment that she could see me ruling the world but none of my other friends and when pressed to ask why, she said it was because anyone else would be too nice to get the job done. To any of my old schoolmates who knew me before, I'm sure at this point they would be wondering what gives, since I was probably always one of the fluffiest and unclearminded of the lot. I know we don't see the changes that we ourselves go through but lately I've been wondering if it's not just that the persona I've built for myself in the US is different from the one in Singapore. Or maybe it's that you can't build personas for yourself and expect to disengage completely from them. So maybe in being more shielded and apart in the US, I've learnt to do that at all times.

If you had to kill 1000 people to save the world, would you do it? An extremely metaphysical question. A long time ago, I answered that I'd rather kill myself than kill someone else, but when it comes down to it if I had to kill someone in order that a 1000 people might be saved, that's a very different question. I might very well do it. And if I had to do it, I'm not sure I would be strong enough to do it by my own hand rather than simply ordering someone else to do it. I would like to be but... Some part of me would be scared that I would enjoy the killing, the power over someone else's life. Some part of me will be terrified that i'm killing some more innocence I used to have. You can't kill someone else or do anything against your morals without sacrificing at least a part of yourself really. But if we don't face up to our own monsters how can we make others do so?

Other recent readings that I'm still thinking about include The Unbearable Lightness of Being, but that is one book that needs to sit and germinate before i can write anything on it.