I'm a coward. and not only that a guilt ridden coward at that. so Jo's apparently staying over at James for the night. which means she's not going to come with me to the frat hting. and i'm too much of a coward to go alone. last minute too. *sigh* I'm an idiot. and now i feel guitly. does it really matter to him if I show up? you know, earlier I would have said no. no questions asked. but now. now i'm not sure. it scares me that my presence might actually matter. support. and it scares me even more that by not showing up I may be causing just that little bit of harm to someone. I'd rather endure any kind of pain myself than be the one that has to cause someone else that pain. especially if that someone is a friend. oh god how do I live.

am supposed to go to a frat party tonight because serge's band is playing.. hmm.. *sigh* not really a huge fan of frat parties. even though this one is supposed to be less like a frat than most. still..
hmm how far does friend support have to go? I guess i should. but I'll damn well make someone else go with me man..

went to dinner with S, serge, and two chrises. chris says that he was more like the tech house people than he thought he was. which is probably a good thing.

just went to swing. in one of the frats. I get the feeling it was a rather unofficial kind of swing just called together last minute. met a new guy but I kind of forgot his name he was quite a good dancer though and he was very nice. I was trying to learn to lead too with Jo. F came too, which was kind of fun. and P and S were there. so we had plenty of people to dance with or chat to. it was kind of strange sitting with S at a side for the short time we were though cause we automatically move to talking and it's as though everytime we are left alone he speaks like in a confession. it's not the things he says those are normal it's the way he tells things, like the way we pick up on conversations when we need to talk. Like telling you something because you need to tell not because it's something to say. I guess we're friends. Somehow I'm not sure if that's what I want. to be friends with yet another person. sounds bad doesn't it? not so much that i don't want another friend but rather it's another person to worry about to help along and I guess sometimes it's a little burden as much as it's a joy. But I'm just feeling moody, that's not it at all. I always have fun talking to him even if it's heart to heart nad heavy stuff so I guess I am just complaining for the sake of complaining. i could always use another friend. sometimes I really don't know how to act though. he complains with a the treating him like a little boy things that I do but I don't know how else to treat him if not like a little brother. I have to somehow make him a sibling and he totally isn't an older brother. then again I can never really tell if he really complains about the little boy thing or if he's just complaining because he feels he has to complain. ah well we'll have to see what comes. I still have tomorrow to deal with. ack.

feeling particuarly plagued by guys at the moment and school's barely even started. I guess firstly which I was trying to forget over vacation and kind of did, is that H is kind of getting to be friends. like kind of the say hello and sit next to and chat kind of friends in japanese. which is kinda dangerous becuase chances are we are going to japan together which could be disastrous. anyone else I would say that oh well I'll go off to japan and then that would be it. he's such a nice guy too. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. which i guess is what makes me so irritated when meg and bunch make insinuations or stuff about chris even though there I know that there's nothing there. I guess i just don't want to be reminded that I'm not immune to all this. S is coming over tomorrow too or rather stopping by after his rehearsals and there's a confusion mess all to itself. oh well at least i figured out what it is I like about S and now that that's figured out I'm not as affected. or I hope not. I guess tomorrow is the acid test. In fact, I'm not even sure what I care or that I care. *shrug* at the moment I just want to be like free of guys. *aargh* I guess to add to the mess is that D and B want to visit around the same time. I quite welcome the visits but to arrange the visits so they def. don't meet. aargh. I could learn to hate guys. just kidding. I don't think I really would. *sigh*

going to chicago was good for me I guess. not so much the place as the people. hanging out with the two Js replenished my sense of strength as to who I was and what i was doing. I guess that's something RGS gives you. that sense that you are going to do what you want to do and heck cares to whatever the consequenses may be be it failure or sucess, and whatever anybody else around you may think. it's not that we don't care what other people think i think it's that ultimately they instilled in us this kind of will and strange kind of confidence that it's our life and we should be allowed to live it. and if whatever we choose we won't look back. being away from these people and around other people who don't have that kind of confidence almost affects you. for a while I forgot that strength because I didn't have to be as strong as that even though I was still stronger than the group. and for a while I was miserable because when I had to be as strong as that I forgot I could. maybe it's true that RGS girls become unmarridgable. as so many people seem to think incuding alumni of them. and that probably goes triple for the group of us because not only were we from RGS we were from RJ and GEP. but I think I'd rather have that. I'd rather have that because it's not a matter of putting career or academics over romance or social life or stuff like that. it's a matter of having that strength to stay who you are and that goes for everything. so if guys can't accept the way we know what we want and we won't look back or regret. or the way we tend to not let a guy give us crap, i mean trust me, we don't have all those feminie qualms about splitting with a guy if 1. he doesn't love or treat the girl well. 2.he cheats or anything like that .. and you get the idea. 3. not playing up to his ego by playing the gu niang. and if that makes us unmarragible then I guess so be it. at least if we ever find a life partner. we'll know for sure that he's in it for good. that he loves us just the way we are. and he'd have to be something special. And why am i writing this all down? so that I'll have something to hang on to the next time I feel all mushy and wish I was attached just for the sake of being attached. so that the next time I feel that way I won't go out and just get attached to a guy cause he's availible without thinking truely about the guy first. I needed that reminder of who I was who I still am and who I will be. I'm glad I went to chicago.

Over the last two weeks I was in Brazil. and I guess it gave me some time to really think about all the things that bother me about my life and I realized that half the reason S bothers me os much has nothng to do with him or any attraction to him but rather because he triggers so many unresolved things in my life that I thought were resolved. or was willing to try and pretend to forget all about it and sometimes maybe even succeed. So I guess over the next few months at school I'll try to work out all those problems. I even made a list. I knew all those mindmapping techniques had to be good for something:-p anyways. we'll see about that..when i get back to brown.

funny how everything can seem alright when you have something to do. if fact, you can even deceive yourself that you are not miserable for an incredibly long time when you have work. and then of course you finally finish the work and you can relax and then the whole world comes crashing down on you becuase suddenly you're allowed to breathe again. suddenly you're allowed to feel again. The human mind is amazing in it's ability to pretend. someitmes I'm amazed at the way I can simply put that two-sided mask back on again as easily as that. smiling on both outsides and insides, smiling at darkness and pretending it's light. or maybe, it's not funny at all. but at the moment it's all that keeps me sane.

one more take home exam to do and then I'm done!! aah!!! think I'll go take a shower and a nap before I start the exam :-p

I'm going to do an exam on four hours of sleep.. hee hee. went to bed at 3am and waking up at 7am.... this is going to be interesting. hopefully I'll make enough sense to write the essay :-p.