Had a good time yesterday at the first lindy lesson and mostly I'll have to admit was because I got to dance with good dancers. I mean I have swing down now and basically all I do is follow so it's lots of fun to dance with a good dancer in swing.. but having only done the basic step, you'd think I couldn't do much in lindy right? wrong! it was amazing. I was dancing with S and we started out normal and then he started putting in all kinds of turns and just really improvised moves some of which borrowed from swing the rest of it lindy. it was AMAZING. like all i had to do was follow and keep doing my basic step and I guess since I can reasonably follow in swing it helped in lindy too. *grin* like it was so much fun. even though I got so dizzy cause the lindy basic is to spin round and round really. the room was spinning around me and all I could concentrate on was doing the steps in response and where my partner was. I did catch like two couples looking at us. wow. *grin* I am so used to being the one doing the looking. but they were looking to try and see the steps we were doing. :-p yeah I know huge stroke to ego. even if as chris says, it's the guy who makes the girl look good. and how. i mean I can barely even remember the basic step and there I was doing these complicated moves!! *grin* I even got megan addicted and she's HARD. and I got chris to wish he would come too. I scored last night. to drag two unwillings to kind of wish they would come reguarly. I know it'll wear off by next week but that was a work of art!

Since I'm mad at you at the moment and I'm not mean enough to actually send this off or maybe I am we'll see. this is where it goes.

Firstly, I'm disappointed in you. I expected better of you but I can see that obviously expecting friendship or rationality or even courage out of you is asking too much.
Not fair? fine. This is what I say. if you're going to be mad at me. at least find the courage to do it to my face. Even better, maybe if you had done that then you would have heard both sides of a story. Which I would only expect out of any intelligent being.
So apparently, you don't think of me enough as a friend to 1. say things to my face. 2. actually talk to me. 3. bother to find out anything

maybe that makes you not worth being a friend to. I don't know. you tell me.
That is of course, assuming you ever gather up enough backbone to come look for me.

feeling very discouraged. I lost my 101 key last semester and now it seems that if I report it lost they have to change the locks and everybody has to turn in their keys and all.. plus the 75 dollar fee. *sigh* the chances of finding my key again are practically nill. what can I do?

the singaporean reunion dinner is going to cost like 18dollars or around there... hmm.... is it worth the money? the thing is normally I would say no. but then again it is chinese new year... hmm...

I'm a coward. and not only that a guilt ridden coward at that. so Jo's apparently staying over at James for the night. which means she's not going to come with me to the frat hting. and i'm too much of a coward to go alone. last minute too. *sigh* I'm an idiot. and now i feel guitly. does it really matter to him if I show up? you know, earlier I would have said no. no questions asked. but now. now i'm not sure. it scares me that my presence might actually matter. support. and it scares me even more that by not showing up I may be causing just that little bit of harm to someone. I'd rather endure any kind of pain myself than be the one that has to cause someone else that pain. especially if that someone is a friend. oh god how do I live.

am supposed to go to a frat party tonight because serge's band is playing.. hmm.. *sigh* not really a huge fan of frat parties. even though this one is supposed to be less like a frat than most. still..
hmm how far does friend support have to go? I guess i should. but I'll damn well make someone else go with me man..

went to dinner with S, serge, and two chrises. chris says that he was more like the tech house people than he thought he was. which is probably a good thing.

just went to swing. in one of the frats. I get the feeling it was a rather unofficial kind of swing just called together last minute. met a new guy but I kind of forgot his name he was quite a good dancer though and he was very nice. I was trying to learn to lead too with Jo. F came too, which was kind of fun. and P and S were there. so we had plenty of people to dance with or chat to. it was kind of strange sitting with S at a side for the short time we were though cause we automatically move to talking and it's as though everytime we are left alone he speaks like in a confession. it's not the things he says those are normal it's the way he tells things, like the way we pick up on conversations when we need to talk. Like telling you something because you need to tell not because it's something to say. I guess we're friends. Somehow I'm not sure if that's what I want. to be friends with yet another person. sounds bad doesn't it? not so much that i don't want another friend but rather it's another person to worry about to help along and I guess sometimes it's a little burden as much as it's a joy. But I'm just feeling moody, that's not it at all. I always have fun talking to him even if it's heart to heart nad heavy stuff so I guess I am just complaining for the sake of complaining. i could always use another friend. sometimes I really don't know how to act though. he complains with a the treating him like a little boy things that I do but I don't know how else to treat him if not like a little brother. I have to somehow make him a sibling and he totally isn't an older brother. then again I can never really tell if he really complains about the little boy thing or if he's just complaining because he feels he has to complain. ah well we'll have to see what comes. I still have tomorrow to deal with. ack.

feeling particuarly plagued by guys at the moment and school's barely even started. I guess firstly which I was trying to forget over vacation and kind of did, is that H is kind of getting to be friends. like kind of the say hello and sit next to and chat kind of friends in japanese. which is kinda dangerous becuase chances are we are going to japan together which could be disastrous. anyone else I would say that oh well I'll go off to japan and then that would be it. he's such a nice guy too. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. which i guess is what makes me so irritated when meg and bunch make insinuations or stuff about chris even though there I know that there's nothing there. I guess i just don't want to be reminded that I'm not immune to all this. S is coming over tomorrow too or rather stopping by after his rehearsals and there's a confusion mess all to itself. oh well at least i figured out what it is I like about S and now that that's figured out I'm not as affected. or I hope not. I guess tomorrow is the acid test. In fact, I'm not even sure what I care or that I care. *shrug* at the moment I just want to be like free of guys. *aargh* I guess to add to the mess is that D and B want to visit around the same time. I quite welcome the visits but to arrange the visits so they def. don't meet. aargh. I could learn to hate guys. just kidding. I don't think I really would. *sigh*

going to chicago was good for me I guess. not so much the place as the people. hanging out with the two Js replenished my sense of strength as to who I was and what i was doing. I guess that's something RGS gives you. that sense that you are going to do what you want to do and heck cares to whatever the consequenses may be be it failure or sucess, and whatever anybody else around you may think. it's not that we don't care what other people think i think it's that ultimately they instilled in us this kind of will and strange kind of confidence that it's our life and we should be allowed to live it. and if whatever we choose we won't look back. being away from these people and around other people who don't have that kind of confidence almost affects you. for a while I forgot that strength because I didn't have to be as strong as that even though I was still stronger than the group. and for a while I was miserable because when I had to be as strong as that I forgot I could. maybe it's true that RGS girls become unmarridgable. as so many people seem to think incuding alumni of them. and that probably goes triple for the group of us because not only were we from RGS we were from RJ and GEP. but I think I'd rather have that. I'd rather have that because it's not a matter of putting career or academics over romance or social life or stuff like that. it's a matter of having that strength to stay who you are and that goes for everything. so if guys can't accept the way we know what we want and we won't look back or regret. or the way we tend to not let a guy give us crap, i mean trust me, we don't have all those feminie qualms about splitting with a guy if 1. he doesn't love or treat the girl well. 2.he cheats or anything like that .. and you get the idea. 3. not playing up to his ego by playing the gu niang. and if that makes us unmarragible then I guess so be it. at least if we ever find a life partner. we'll know for sure that he's in it for good. that he loves us just the way we are. and he'd have to be something special. And why am i writing this all down? so that I'll have something to hang on to the next time I feel all mushy and wish I was attached just for the sake of being attached. so that the next time I feel that way I won't go out and just get attached to a guy cause he's availible without thinking truely about the guy first. I needed that reminder of who I was who I still am and who I will be. I'm glad I went to chicago.

Over the last two weeks I was in Brazil. and I guess it gave me some time to really think about all the things that bother me about my life and I realized that half the reason S bothers me os much has nothng to do with him or any attraction to him but rather because he triggers so many unresolved things in my life that I thought were resolved. or was willing to try and pretend to forget all about it and sometimes maybe even succeed. So I guess over the next few months at school I'll try to work out all those problems. I even made a list. I knew all those mindmapping techniques had to be good for something:-p anyways. we'll see about that..when i get back to brown.