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love. work. play. stress. learning. failing. succeding. laughing. crying. Basically, Life.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Just had another fight with my mum despite having a final tomorrow morning which I haven't studied for. If I fail my final, you'll know why.

I hate my life sometimes and sometimes I really wonder if everything I do is an attempt to get as far away from myself as possible. The only problem of course is that the only way you can ever escape yourself is to die and if you believe in afterlife, not even then.

Sometimes I don't even know why I bother to work so hard, or to acheive anything because no matter how hard-won or how amazing the acheivements are, I don't much care about them and my family is never proud of them, choosing instead on focusing on things I cannot change, like how I'm never pretty enough or thin enough for them.

Or maybe that's the reason why I don't want to change that about myself. I don't want to be prettier or thinner because that would be admitting that I need other people. Which leaves me to the question, if I don't sacrifice my social life and mental well-being to get good grades for the sake of my family or myself then what do I do it for? I really don't know.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are still resisting the pressures your family is putting on you: you still pour effort into your academics for approval from them and self-worth.

You know you have people who love you for who you are. Perhaps you're trying to get a very specific something from a specific somewhere from where it's not coming.

I wonder if it's something about Chinese/Singaporean societies that results in people choosing academics as their condition when faced with a system of conditional worth. The whole 'intelligence is the way to a better life' attitude of Confucianism.