Friday, February 21, 2003
I'm like a time bomb just waiting to go off. I thought i was better. I thought i'm finally okay now. and then the slightest touch and I'm ready to go off again. What's going on. honestly i don't know. I am just seriously really bad. the only thing I can do now the only thing I have to do. is to channel everything into work. I can't afford to let this semester slip I really can't. I really don't knwo what's going on.
Saturday, February 15, 2003
I don't even know what to say to you anymore. except what I'm doing now isn't the solution. I know I'm avoiding you. I know why I am. and I know I don't want to get hurt or face up to reality. and maybe if I avoid you long enough I can close myself off too. but why does it always come to that. right now, you're everything that i can't stand. I don't know how you managed to do it. lose all the good points and gain all the bad ones. someday I'm going to have to leave. the question is is it someday soon. and I'm not exactly mad. just sad. there's no more energy left ot be mad. what's the point. that's the dangerous part. now I can leave. because now there's nothing more holding me down.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
I think i'm slowly going mad. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. how much longer i can hold it all together. how much longer I can pretend to hold it all together. I can't do it. tell anybody trust anybody. I think after a while you lose the ability to do so. after a while you can no longer open your heart up as easily as you could before. shells within shells within shells. maybe I let you all think that i trust you too easily. so that you never ever get beyond that. I seriously just feel like giving up and dying or at least give up trying, let everything go. and that scares me. I almost never give in. what is it? fatigue maybe? too much stress. how much added stress is each little thing. why can I only deal with the last little thing the last little anything. Just how long would it take me to fall apart? do you know how close to snapping I am? do any of you know or even guess? I can't deal with anything anymore. everything's out of proportion. everything's being multiplied and sent back in a hundred. every little thing. I can't deal anymroe. I can't I can't I can't. I'm sorry but you have to be superhuman. don't talk to me like that. don't even let the undertone in your voice show. don't because every little thing is coming back to be hundredfold. i'm not sure how much longer i can hold it together. don't because the next time you do I might snap. the next time you do I might close for good. the next time you see me. all that's left of me might be long gone.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
i don't know whether to scream or cry and I seriously feel like doing both. NOBODY WILL LET ME SLEEP. first jo drags me up to drag me around for half an hour in the cold looking for section when we end up not even going and then chris comes in and keeps me up and then megan talks IN BED on the phone for hours so that I can't go to sleep. I WANT TO SCREAM! i haven't done any work the whole day. I've skipped most of my classes. and I'm STILL tired despite trying to sleep the whole day and getting nothing accomplished.
Besides that I've had barely anything to eat. I HATE being here. I wish everybody would just GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
Besides that I've had barely anything to eat. I HATE being here. I wish everybody would just GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
Saturday, February 08, 2003
Apparently if I'm not a terza rima I would be a lai. but I liked the little lai verse so here it is. for the record I don't think I'm either. :-p
I'm so tired of this. where's the line between keeping you from getting too close and being bitchy? where's the line between trying to be nice and being a hypocrite? too many mes. too many problems. I'm tired of being either me. tired of trying to maintain my distance so you guys don't get too close and fall in. tired of just being nice because I thought you guys outside wouldn't fall in and did. and of all of you all of you. there's no one I can be myself with. no one. I wonder what you would do if I started being myself again. I wonder if I can even break out of the old patterns and be myself to all of you. I wonder if I can ever be that way to any of you because it's simply too dangerous with anyone other than those who understand. and there the danger is that I might fall in. in this place with all the spaces between. with all that empty air to fill that anything to cling to is tempting. so so tired of having to keep those spaces alive. so so tired.
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
AARGH. I got asked out. by A and I wasn't expecting him to do anything like that. That WAS NOT supposed to happen.I half expect H or something but I so did NOT see this coming! this isn't supposed to happen. What the hell am I supposed to do? I mean I work with him for god's sake and it's fun. having his company and talking and chating and having fun at work and all but I am soooo not looking for a relationship but I want to keep him as a friend. I hate this. I don't understand the rules of the game. I don't understand the game. I need someone american. maybe I need to tell chris.
Saturday, February 01, 2003
went for reunion dinner with the singaporeans yesterday night and then we went for ice cream. it was fun!. *grin* filipa says S has been acting weird but I haven't seen any of it unless that means he has been too nice. becuase that's how I feel. :-p yeah I'm strange. it's like all of a sudden he's too friend. and I don't remember it being this way last semester. *shrug* as in last semseter was more like somewhere inbetween aquiantance and friend. I don't know what I want to do for my 21st birthday yet.. :-p *sigh* or what I want. hmm.. and it's the new year. it's chinese new year! not lots of goodies and all but still, it's chinese new year :-)
Friday, January 31, 2003
Had a good time yesterday at the first lindy lesson and mostly I'll have to admit was because I got to dance with good dancers. I mean I have swing down now and basically all I do is follow so it's lots of fun to dance with a good dancer in swing.. but having only done the basic step, you'd think I couldn't do much in lindy right? wrong! it was amazing. I was dancing with S and we started out normal and then he started putting in all kinds of turns and just really improvised moves some of which borrowed from swing the rest of it lindy. it was AMAZING. like all i had to do was follow and keep doing my basic step and I guess since I can reasonably follow in swing it helped in lindy too. *grin* like it was so much fun. even though I got so dizzy cause the lindy basic is to spin round and round really. the room was spinning around me and all I could concentrate on was doing the steps in response and where my partner was. I did catch like two couples looking at us. wow. *grin* I am so used to being the one doing the looking. but they were looking to try and see the steps we were doing. :-p yeah I know huge stroke to ego. even if as chris says, it's the guy who makes the girl look good. and how. i mean I can barely even remember the basic step and there I was doing these complicated moves!! *grin* I even got megan addicted and she's HARD. and I got chris to wish he would come too. I scored last night. to drag two unwillings to kind of wish they would come reguarly. I know it'll wear off by next week but that was a work of art!
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Since I'm mad at you at the moment and I'm not mean enough to actually send this off or maybe I am we'll see. this is where it goes.
Firstly, I'm disappointed in you. I expected better of you but I can see that obviously expecting friendship or rationality or even courage out of you is asking too much. Not fair? fine. This is what I say. if you're going to be mad at me. at least find the courage to do it to my face. Even better, maybe if you had done that then you would have heard both sides of a story. Which I would only expect out of any intelligent being. So apparently, you don't think of me enough as a friend to 1. say things to my face. 2. actually talk to me. 3. bother to find out anything maybe that makes you not worth being a friend to. I don't know. you tell me. That is of course, assuming you ever gather up enough backbone to come look for me. |